The Gourry Show
by PrincessCordelia
Summary: Gourry has a talk show? Okay, I guess this is a result of too much late-night TV and lots of Pixystix


The Gourry Show

The Gourry Show

Written by: Ariela Dawn

(Author's Note: This is purely for fun, don't sue or Hal will get you! This document took many brain-cell-reducing hours of talk shows late into the night…I now have to re-establish my intelligence by watching more and more Slayers…)

"Gourry, we've got a full crowd tonight, knock them dead pal." Lina said, poking her head in a dressing room.

"No problem, Lina, you know I always do!" Gourry said, smiling. Lina left and Gourry sighed. "How did I get into this you ask? I saved a little girl from a bunch of bandits. Turned out that she's the infamous Bandit Killer, Lina Inverse. Why the hell do I have my own dressing room and why do I have to knock an audience dead? I host my own talk show now.Its called _Gourry_ and I address problems that affect our world." Gourry thought.

"What the hell! Ameria!" Gourry yelled.

"What? Ameria poked her head in my dressing room.

"This script isn't pho-en-netic.. er whatever." Gourry complained.

"Sorry, but it's a little late to change it!" Ameria said plainly and left.

"Crap, crap, crap! I can't do the show now!"

"Oh yes you will, or the sword is mine for good!" Lina declared over the loudspeaker.

"But I'm hungry!" Gourry spun around in his swirl chair until he got dizzy.

"And don't be getting dizzy! I don't need puke on my set, oh, wait, never mind, that's one of tonight's guests…" Lina yelled and buzzed out.

"Fine, I may as well go out now and talk with the audience for a while…" Gourry got up and went to the set. Val-garv was busy testing the camera and Zelgadis was watching each and every one of the suspicious-looking audience members. After a while some stagehand guy told the stage crew and audience it was time to start taping.

**Now taping and censoring**

"Hello and welcome to _Gourry_! Today, we have a set of dysfunctional friends and family, including a Mazoku and a Dragon!" Gourry shouted into the cameraand the audience applauded. "First on our show is a knight of Cepheid, Luna Inverse and her sister, Lina! Come on out you two!"

The guests came out from opposite sides of the stage, Lina looking terrified. Luna was confident and she sat next to her younger sister with style and grace.

"So, tell me ladies, how did this all start?" Gourry asked.

"I wanted to-" Lina began, but got cut off by Luna.

"Well, Gourry, it all started when we needed some extra money and I took a job of waitressing. Lina here decided that thieving was more profitable that waitressing, and decided to leave home with some bimbo who called herself Naga the Serpent."

"She is not a bimbo! She is goldfish **beep**!" Lina yelled.

"Now, now, ladies, calm down." Gourry coaxed.

"I AM CALM JELLYFISH BRAINS!" Lina yelled, heaving a fireball at Gourry's head. Gourry ducked and it went flying into the audience.A random man ran around, his head on fire.

"Lina…" Gourry whined. Luna was getting mad.

"You see! See what you do to people?! Don't make me use a Dragon Slave on your head!" Luna shouted.

"I can do a Dragon Slave better than you can any day of the week!" Lina argued.

"Oh yeah?!" Luna challenged.

"Yeah!" Lina said and all the set lights went out as Lina began to cast the spell.

"Whaaahhh! No! Not the Dragon Slave!" Gourry cried.

"Shut up Gourry! I'll get her to the hospital later!" Lina yelled.

"All right, but stop firing the spells around like you always do, this is international broadcast." Gourry said, trying to calm Lina and Luna down.

"Now, where was I?" Luna asked herself, "Ah yes, Lina took off with Naga the bimbo and I was stuck trying to earn an income all by myself in a smelly restaurant at only 5 bronze pieces a day!"

"That's because you said that you didn't want to go with me to stop bandits and take their gold!" Lina argued.

"Well, um,is our next ready to come on yet?" Gourry asked the stagehand. The stagehand nodded and Val-garv turned the camera to Gourry.

"Let's bring out our next guest, many of you know her as the White Serpent, here she is, Naga the Serpent!" 

As Naga walked on stage, all the men hooted like crazy, well because of her humongous jumblies and scantily clad body. By the time Naga sat in between Luna and Lina, the entire audience was chanting "Gourry! Gourry! Gourry! Gourry! Gourry! Gourry!"

"Shut up you pathetic men!I am Naga, the White Serpent!"she got up and yelled to the men.The men continued to whistle and chant, and Lina was mumbling on how Gourry was too stupid to have his own show.

"AHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA!!!!" Naga laughed.Everyone in the room, except Gourry stopped talking and covered their ears.

"Okay, have a seat Naga."Gourry said.Naga sat down next to Lina.

"His brain is too small to be affected by your laugh."Lina whispered to Naga.

"Why couldn't we have gone on the Duo Show? At least he's a little more intelligent than this genius…" Luna muttered sarcastically.

"Will you two knock it off?! Zelgadis! Protect me!" Gourry shouted. Zelgadis gave Gourry the evil-eye and Gourry backed away into the audience.

"You know Lina, you're getting on my nerves," Luna shouted and almost threw her chair on Naga's head.The audience started to chant again.

"Hey! That's not very nice!" Naga cried, "Freeze Arrow!" She shot the ice arrows at Luna and they froze her hair.

"Gyahhhhhh MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!"Luna shrieked, "Flare Arrow!" and sent a fire arrow into Naga's hair, which got fried like the Colonel's Secret Recipe. (Fire the Twisters!)

"Can we go to a commercial?" Gourry asked, dodging a fireball cast by Lina into the audience.

"We'll be right back with the Gourry Show in a moment, now here's a few words from our sponsors!" the announcer guy declared.

**Commercial 1**

"Ok!" a really energetic gay guy was in spandex shorts and a muscle shirt said, "You want to be slim as these ladies here?" He pointed to some international supermodels. "You can be as glamorously slim as these ladies too if you follow my, Ricky Simpson's, Diet Plan! It's absolutely super! You get all these pills for only $99.98!" He held up a pack of mints. All you do is take three of these super-formulated pills and you'll be dropping the pounds in just days. The secret in this miracle diet is that you don't eat a thing! Isn't that just super?! Call the number flashing at the bottom of your screen to order your one-month supply. But if you call during this show, we'll quadruple your order for free!

"That's right, you get a four month supply of my diet pills for only $99.98! That's only 1/3 of the retail price! And you get four months for the price of one! It's a super deal, so call now! 888-ANREXIC! 888-267-3942!1"

**Commercial 2 **

"Hey girls! Check this out! A new line of Barbies!" a corny commercial voice said.

"Wow!" Girl A said, she held up the Barbie, "What kind of Barbie is this?"

"IT'S A GUNDAM WING BARBIE STUPID! CHEESE AND RICE!" the voice yelled.

"Fine, you **beep**hole," Girl B said and threw the Barbie at the camera and left the set.

"DON'T CALL ME AN **beep**HOLE YOU LITTLE **beep**! Look, this is a fifty-dollar commercial and we're nine million over budget! And I don't want to take another take! Introduce the darn Barbies and go home!" the voice yelled at a girl A and C, who flipped the camera off, which was blurred out (Don't ya just love network television?).

Then in a rush, the new cut of the commercial was made, some guy quickly said the names of the dolls while the screen flashed a quick shot of each doll.

**End**

**Some apartment on a tall building**

"Mommy! I want Quatre!" A little girl said, pointing to her TV.

"You want a **beep** homo for a doll? Time for your therapy." The mother said, dragging the girl by the ankles down 7 flights of steps before reaching a NYC taxi. "YAAAAAY!" the girl cried the whole time while being dragged down the stairs. (Why was the mother letting her little girl watch Gourry with Naga on? I don't know, it's New York I guess, it's a hell of a town…)

:: The Crazy Author, AKA, Prettysammy007, steps in ::

Heh, now its my turn to change the story…

** Commercial 3 **

"Hi, I'm Tom 2, a silly short robot, who is black and made of metal.And this is my girlfriend, Sally, or I don't know her name, she's a computer, and we have to cyber in order to—well, you know.Anyways, watch Toonami, because Cartoon Network has to make money somehow.We FINALLY figured out that people want Outlaw Star back on, it took us this long, because we are BAKAS!We are such bakas, we don't even know what baka means!:: Brak comes and blows up the ship, 20 minutes later, you see Tom's head floating about 50 feet away from his body. ::

"That **beep** hole promised me a bologna sandwich, and never gave me it!Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to blow up Cartoon Network for canceling my show!":: Brak speeds away, singing "I'm a cucumber" ::

**Commercial 4 **

Fred walks onto a stage

"I love Gene."

Fred walks off the stage, and the commercial is over.

** At Starwind and Hawking **

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"Jim is laughing and pointing at Gene.

"No, he must mean a different Gene."Gene stuck his tongue at Jim.

"Nyaa… I think its you!"Aisha sat on the steps, playing her game.Suzuka walks in, and laughs at Gene.

"What?"Gene asks.

"I just… saw it… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she took a deep breath.

"It was shown all over Blue Heaven, on all the TVs, on every station!"

"Grrrr…"

::REAL author comes in and shoves Prettysammy007 off a high cliff, "That should take care of that," ::she looks down at PS007, "Thanks!" ::

**Back to Gourry…**

"Welcome back! Today we have Lina, her sister Luna, and Lina's former partner, Naga! So tell me ladies, how did this all start?" Gourry said first into the camera and then to the three women on stage.

"You've asked us that twice already, do we need to explain it all to you again? I'm pretty sure the audience understands this better than you jellyfish brains." Lina exclaimed.

"Um, you'll need to explain it to me again," Gourry confessed and the three women all fell over.

"Don't make me Dragon Slave you!" Lina yelled.

"Calm down Lina, yelling isn't very becoming." Luna scolded.

"I've had enough of you bossing me around!" Lina yelled.

"Well, Gourry, it all started like this: " Naga began, "I was busy minding my own business in a small village, when I heard an explosion."

"Uh huh," Gourry uttered.

"And before I knew it, I was grabbed by the wrist by Lina here and we never went back to that town. Apparently Lina here has some sort of reward on her head there."

"I do not! That story's a bunch of bull plop Gourry! Here's my side: I was busy making a spell to make rubies out of ordinary rocks so that we could sell them for money, when Luna dumped sawdust all over it!It exploded and I flew out of the little area in the woods where Luna and I were doing the spell."

"I did not DUMP on that sawdust!" Luna exclaimed angrily, "I tripped on your stupid armor!"

"No, you dumped it on, besides, this is my story, you had your chance, sister! Anyway, I was flying out of the little area and I land face down in a dirt road, miles from any sort of village, and here along comes Naga, dancing and prancing along, and STOMPS ON MY HEAD!" 

"I did not stomp on your head!" Naga yelled.

"Well it sure felt like it to me goldfish **beep** for brains!" Lina yelled in Naga's ear.

" SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!" Zelgadis yelled and marched up on stage. He grabbed Naga and threw her into the back wall. "That should make her shut up…continue on." 

Gourry sweatdropped and then waved to the camera, begging for another commercial break.

"We'll be right back with Filia, the Golden Dragon Priestess, and Xelloss, some guy she hates with a passion, next on _Gourry_!" the announcer guy said.

**Commercial 6**

A dark stage with a spotlight appears. Relena steps into the spotlight. "I love you Heero, I am hot for you." she says and leaves the light.

**At Heero's house**

::POW!:: Heero has shot his TV.

Duo walks in, his arms full of Hot Topic bags.

"Dammit Heero, do you know how long it took me to get Relena into that TV? I had to convince her that you keep your underwear in there, and she dove in. Huh, I didn't know she was that stupid." Duo muttered and left for his room to try on his new spiked choker.

**Commercial 7**

A guy that looks like that Jeopardy guy is staring straight into the camera. Sssssssssstttttttaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. "Play The Loser Game and win. Because Losers, do win on the Loser Game." The guy then prances away merrily and rolls into a grassy knoll where all the Care Bears welcome him and they dance around singing stupid songs.Suddenly, Prettysammy007, with casts on her left arm, and right leg, shoots them all and waves to the camera.

**Commercial 8**

A lively band starts to play a jazzy song, onto a stage walk Misato and Asuka.

"Tokyo 3, its one hell of a town, the buildings come up when the angels go down! NERV is somewhere under the ground!" Misato and Asuka sing.

"Tokyo 3." Misato solos.

"Tokyo 3" Asuka sings alone.

"New York, New York!" some random sailor guy sings.

::CRUNCH:: Eva Unit 02 crushes the guy. "Dammit! New York doesn't even exist anymore stupid! What an idiot!" Asuka yells and Eva 02 steps away, revealing sailor pancake.

"Come and see Neon Genesis Evangelion, the Musical, written and directed by Gendo Ikari. Starring Ikari Shinji and Ayanami Rei! Coming soon to a theater near you!" some announcer guy declares.

**Now, back to _Gourry_**

"Ok! Next we have Filia Ul Copt, a Golden Dragon Priestess, let's welcome her to the show everyone!"

A guy wheels Filia onto the stage, she has her arm in a cast and bandages all around her head and body.

"Holy **beep** Filia, what happened to you?" Lina exclaims.

"Namagomi no baka. The little cockroach man.That filthy thing is going to pay." Filia muttered.

"You mean Xelloss, right Filia?" Gourry asked.

"YES I MEAN THAT NAMAGOMI! ARE YOU BRAINDEAD OR SOMETHING, MORON?!" Filia yelled at Gourry and nearly tackling him, but was held back by Zelgadis.

"Oh we have a question from one of our audience members." Gourry says and walks up to the man.

"Hay, miz Nawga you sure got some purty boobies thar. Can I tuch em?" the man asks, making Lina, Luna and Naga fall over. (He's a redneck, what can I say? Horny, stupid and poor, what else could he ask?)

"NO!" Naga yells and summons a golem, which chases the redneck man all over the set. "Anybody else wanna touch my breasts?" Naga yelled and all the men's hands (and a few of the women's) went down in the audience.

"All right, since there seems to be no more questions, for Naga, we'll bring out our next guest."

"Uh, Gourry, we don't have time to bring out Xelloss, he's STILL in makeup." A stagehand mumbles to Gourry.

"What?" Gourry was confused.

"We're afraid he'll break all the cameras if he comes out now." The stagehand said.

"Well, then get another guy to impersonate Xelloss." Gourry said.

"Ok, you're the boss." The stagehand said and disappeared backstage.

"Ok, why don't we take a call from one of our viewers at home?" Gourry suggested, he waited for a signal from Amelia, who was running the switchboards, which were a disaster.

"Mr. Gourry, I can't seem to get any callers!" Amelia whined and Zelgadis fell over, he then rushed to a phone and dialed the show."

"I have one!" Amelia declared, and put it through.

"Hello caller 1, what is your name?" Gourry asked.

"Zelgadis and I QUIT!" Zel roared, lightning popped up all around him as he laughed evilly.

"Why don't we just wrap it all up now?" Lina suggested, "I'm sick of looking at these two pathetic things and I'm hungry."

**Time for Gourry's Final Thoughts?** (What final thoughts?He doesn't have a brain!)

"Um, what was I supposed to say?" Gourry asked the camera. "Oh yeah. I think that Naga has bigger boobs than Lina and that I should give the Sword of Light to her, but then hanging around her might get too annoying, so I think I'll stick with Lina, though her sister is cute…"

"DRAGON SLAVE!" Lina yelled and the entire set exploded.

"Yup, sticking with Lina all right…." Gourry said and passed out, all dizzy-eyed. @_@

End.

Ok, yes, making fun of network television can be fun. I don't own any of the characters or products mentioned in this story, except for Ricky Simpson and his Diet Plan, he's my take on Richard Simmons, who I don't own…(if I did, I'd put him out of his misery…) The redneck guy is mine too. Why? Well, he's a redneck and I own him, so there. Nope, I don't own Brak, that Tom robot and his computer lady thing, yet I wish that they would die (except Brak, who rules!). If I did own any of these characters I'd move my butt to Japan, buy lots of Pocky and sushi and live in a grassy knoll where all my fave bishies would frolic and dance with me and eat pocky and sushi with me all day long! (I have no life whatsoever…)

Minor explanations:

1.This is not a real number, don't call it, you might get a phone sex line or something, and that is gross, unless you're into that kind of thing…and if you are, you make me sick, you pervert who can't get any…ha ha!

2.Ok, yes Lina is like the producer of the show and is a guest. How? I dunno, I got stuck. Amelia is the writer, talent coordinator and phone girl. Zelgadis was a bouncer and quit, because he was sick of Naga and her huuuuge jumblies. Gourry is dumb, I'll leave it at that. Luna helped save the world by turning into a cat and bossing around Sailor Moon. Why? I'm just weird, animes sometimes cross over in my little fantasy world. Naga posed for Playboy, and that issue became the best-selling issue of all time. Filia went home and took a nap. Xelloss never made it out of make up. Val-gaav went to Disney World and blew it up and disappeared off the face of the earth forever.

By now you are:

A.Laughing from the story.

B.Laughing very hard from the story.

C.Wondering if I escaped from a mental institution.

D.Plotting to take over the minds of all the world leaders.

E.Wondering if you can be my friend because I am crazy.

Choose wisely your answer, as you may only have 3 or less. Four or more, you may eat some more.

** Prettysammy007 walks onto the set.** HEY!YOU DON'T OWN ME!** A giant rock falls on her, and she picks it up, and throws it at the remains of the Care Bears, and the Jeopardy look-alike guy.**

End. Began writing on July 6, 2001 and finished on July 17, 2001.

THE END!AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


End file.
